Fuck You, Dominoes!

Their latest commercial: some franchise owner complaining about how Patrick Doyle, the infallible CEO of the worst pizza company in existence, has lowered the price of large, carryout pizzas to $7.99, with three toppings, only during the work week, and you have to be a veteran, and your grandparents are dead, only if they were cremated. Pretty soon, pizza companies and everywhere else will offer special deals so specific that they will apply for a specific person, one at a time. "If your name is Dan and you drive a Geo, come get your free bread sticks!"

Anyways, one of the worst parts of this series of "behind the scenes of Domino's" is the smug that seeps from J. Patrick Doyle's greasy hairline. His white shirt and blue eyes remind me of what Hitler beat off to. His demeanor in all of his scenes comes off as if he's doing you a favor, like his pizza cures AIDS then balances the budget. Get over it, its pizza. You aren't saving America by selling it cardboard covered in ketchup and "chicken" that's "real." (Don't even get me started on Tate Dillow. What parent names their child "Tate" when their last name is "Dillow?") One piece of advise: if the company has to come out and proclaim that their product is "Real," the proverbial stamp of approval of Joe the Plumber, then at one point they were creating things that were "unreal," like jackalopes or the square root of -1. And if they did it at one point, then I can bet, in a tiff, they could easily revert back to old ways of their unreal doings.

Also, the amount of dismay the franchise owner shows clues to a deeper story that the 30-second spot could attest. Maybe at one point Owner (that's what I've named him) met His Majesty Doyle at the Annual Domino's Owners Mixer in Ann Arbor, MI, his wife on his arm and a smile on his face. He greeted his better with the firm handshake he had been practicing with his father, the man who gave him the down payment money for his first store, it would be the most defining moment in his lackluster life (Second only to that time his found that $20 bill under his shoe at Chuck E. Cheese). As he scanned the multi-purpose room of Domino's Headquarters, located Pope Doyle, and intercepted him as His Greatness was trying to escape through the executive's hatch. Owner reached out his trained hand only to meet Doyle's eyes that read: "If you touch me then I'll get whatever you have." As CEO GOD slammed his elbow into the executive's escape hatch door, He turned His head ever so slightly as to signify to Owner that He was very busy not trying to talk to him. Distraught, Owner slumped away, a black cloud of disappointment blocking his better judgement and soaking surrounding linens. J. "Perfect" Patrick Doyle was literally "killing" him. KILLING HIM! I would think it an allusion to "You're killing me, Larry" from the Sit-And-Sleep ad-spots, but this is a national brand. Gran Poobah Doyle is being accused of murder to the English speaking people of the United States, and its about time.

Well, to wrap it up: Domino's, by far, is the worst restaurant in the chain food industry. And no, I'm not just comparing them to the shitty hole-in-the wall pizza places that paint a mural of a terrace view of the Mediterranean (As if I forgot I was in Lake Forest). No, even compared to its counterpart, Pizza Hut, it blows... hard. To add to that, the fact that their commercials come off as the surefire way to end hunger in America makes them seem as though their ready to join forces with Scientology and take over the world.

Thank You For Reading,
Michael Kaye