Insurance for Dawgs

Tell me: when did dogs develop a sense of ownership?

Why is that dog waiting by the front door? He obviously isn't abandoned or neglected, there are people in that house. Yet he needs to stick his little bitch nose through that mail slot, waiting for more interesting people to arrive. People who don't waste their time with their feet on ottomans and dropping dishes in the kitchen. Whoever that cracked out bitch was, she was tripping when that dog rushed by her. Thank God she didn't have a knife or anything sharp or that dog would have a shit ton more to worry about than cat burglars. Also, that dog's owner in the sitting room had the book closed on his leg, apparently just staring off into space. I like to imagine that he spiked his coffee with LSD and went on a bad trip, hallucinating his dog owned all of the shit he did and was worried about someone stealing it. HIS DAWG IS A DOGGLEGANGER!

It was a slow news day for the Lakeshore Globe (The shore's best news source). When is the last time you read a news story about something being burgled? Unless it was the Aerospace Museum's perfect model of a nuclear reactor, it isn't front page, headline material. If you let your eyes wander south you see that the story doesn't even follow the headline. Apparently "Valley area records record growth" and "She's 3rd brightest but hard gal to see" (whatever the fuck that means) beat out the story of someone being ripped off. The "3rd Brightest" story brings up images of an unmade idiot savant movie that features a woman with Aspergers  turning invisible. But no, Traveler's makes sure that you focus on your shit being stolen.

Then the music starts: the OCD/paranoid anthem for 2011. "I just want to be OK, be OK, be OK. I just want to be OK OK O K OK OOOOOOOOOOO OKKK O K OK OK OK OKOKOKOK!" I wonder if Ingrid Michaelson, the singer/songwriter, was told she had terminal cancer the day before and she wrote this song in a desperate bargain with God. "God, if I can only just be 'OK' I'll surrender my soul to you. I'll suck yo dick!" The short chords and repetition add a sense of playful suspense.

What could have this dog all worked up? What can possibly be in his small doghouse that sends him into a shit spiral? Does this dog have a title deed or Superbowl ring that needs protection? No, its a couple of chew toys and a bone. Strategically a tiny car and boat, implying that Traveler's covers your tiny, plastic cars and boats. This brings me to my major issue: too long have companies compared their customers to dogs. Its a clever metaphor, don't get me wrong, dogs spend little time thinking and eat every piece of shit that looks edible, much like the average consumer. However, if Traveler's wants to attract a clientele that consists of people who smartly save and invest their hard earned money, then I think that they should stop appealing to the canine demographic.

The one saving grace of this ad: its anti-Sovereign Citizen stance. Don't know what that is? Read the wiki and then watch this 60 Minutes. These charming residents of the American South and Alaska (the "Alabama of the North") feel that they have the right to defend their belongings with their own, god-given brute force with the assistance of automatic weapons. And that is just what our little dog friend does, he posts up on his domicile's entrance and steadfastly protects what be his. Like a sovereign. Days passed, and he realized what so few of his Kingly brethren had realized: that protecting your shit all of the time is boring. You can't go for walks, you can't get out of the rain, and you definitely can't fuck the neighbor's poodle in their front yard. Life is tough. So Traveler's offers you the peace of mind that prevents God Complex, all while taking your money.

Thank You For Reading,
Michael Kaye